I'm feeling really masculine today. The more I settle into these feelings and explore them, the more masculine and less effeminate I feel. I did a test on brain sex differences on, I think it was the BBC website and I have the brain of an average UK male. I took it before and did really badly on a section that I score in the top 2% of the GATB, but this time I realized that I read the instructions wrong.
I've decided to start to push ups in addition to my yoga to increase me upper body strength. I'm also somewhat actively trying to lose weight. That would reduce my breast size and give me more options in sports bras and maybe make me able to bind.
I'm trying to get past the "feminine" things that I do, like knitting and sewing and stuff. I wonder what a world would be like if gender were just part of who you are and had nothing to do with what you do. I can also be more exuberant than the average male. I can't help thinking of all the mannerisms and things like that that I've developed to pass in the female world or are just part of me that would have been beaten or berated out of me had I been born male. I also wonder how many I've developed and how many are just part of my make up? My son used to stick his pinky out when he picked things up, I do that, but now he doesn't any more. I could never change who I am to pass, but what parts of me are actually me and how much is made up? Too many questions are giving me a headache.
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