packer, life and the world at large

I'm not sure if I blogged about this first story before, if so bear with me.

The way that I very first realized I wanted to be a boy, at around 16, I was kicking around the house one day by myself.  I don't know what possessed me to do this, I'm sure I must have had at least some kind of inkling of feeling that I wanted to be a boy and was tossing the idea around in my head.  Anyway, my brother had moved out but had left some of his old clothes down the basement.  I went down and looked for the most definitively male outfit I could find, which turned out to be an ugly beige corduroy suit.  I put it on and looked in my mother's full length mirror.  It is hard to describe the feeling I had, it was like seeing myself for the very first time.  Like every time I had ever looked in the mirror before I had been seeing someone else.

This weekend I got a packer.  As soon as I got home I put it down my pants and I felt like myself for the first time.  I only had it on for an hour or so before I had to take it off to go out and when I did I missed it so much, like it had always been a part of me and after such a short time it was gone.  I got a hard packer too and I'm pretty sure that I can make myself cum with it, but I haven't tried yet.

Today though, I was reminded that the world would have no time for me and I would fuck my son's life up soo much if I tried to transition.  My son was at a sleepover at his best friend's stepmom's house for the weekend.  When she was still with the boy's father we used to hang out and she called me this morning to ask me to come over for coffee when I went to pick my son, so I did.  We talked about the kids and all this stuff.  I found out she's become a Mormon.  Anyway I brought up gays and lesbians in the United Church and I could tell by her reaction that wasn't a place she was willing to go.  The boy's father won't let his son play with another boy because he thinks he's gay.  This is my son's best friend in the world and it would break his heart if he couldn't visit him or have him come over because his mom's a freak.  That's on top of my worry about work and my safety and just life in the world and passing.  I wish I were a stronger person.  I've got the evening and weekend be who you really are plan in my pay as you go life.