Hmmmmm..... Well there are a bunch of reasons for me to not transition. Any one on their own might not be enough, but added together they make a convincing reason, for me anyway. Not that there aren't times that I think about it.
If I could have transitioned when I was a teen or young adult I think that I would have jumped at the chance. I've had over 20 years of fitting in with the female world. I worry that if I tried to pass all the time (or at all for that matter) I would be constantly thinking of my behavior and whether or not I fit in and am doing it right. Also I am quite effeminate. Not drag queen effeminate, but getting there I suppose. Females absolutely confound me, but to be honest, guys do too. I don't know if that is normal or not for someone in my position, I'm not in contact with anyone else in my position.
Also I have my family to consider. My husband is straight and although he is dealing with this the best he can, he is straight and would not stay with me if I transitioned. I really love him and he is good for me in so many ways I would not want to lose him. I have a preteen son. We live in a working class neighborhood and I wouldn't want to make his Jr. high school years worse for him because his friends might think that he has a freak for a mother.
I have short hair and my boobs are not huge but big and I never, ever, ever pass at all. I prefer to wear sports bras to smoosh things down a bit, but that feels like too much clothes, I can't imagine what wearing a binder would be like. I've also heard that I would have to wear more clothes over a binder to hide it. I have a sweating problem already and have to dress light all the time.
Lastly, fear. I'm afraid of how things would go. There are some effects of hormone treatments are permanent. What if I changed my mind? I'm afraid that I would go bald if I had hormone treatment. Also I can flirt with men now and not worry about being punched in the face.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Me, in a nutshell
Help, help, I'm in a nutshell. Would that make me king of infinite space? Okay, normal now.
A little background on who I am and why I'm starting this blog. I'm 42 years old, I have a husband and son and I've realized or rerealized over the past year that I am FTM transgendered. That is, I have a female body but I feel like I'm a male person.
I've spent some time trying to remember my childhood, looking for signs. Other than confusion when I played you show me yours and I'll show you mine with a neighbor girl and finding it weird that we looked the same "down there", insisting to my mom that I be allowed to go shirtless and walking in on my brother in the bath and finding it weird that he looked different "down there" I haven't been able to find much. I always had a feeling that there was something wrong though. I dreaded my period and was prayed every day that I wouldn't get it, I was devastated when it came.
When I was 16 or so, I was home alone wandering around the house feeling, well I'm not sure how to describe it, unfulfilled maybe? It dawned on me to go downstairs where my brother had left some clothes when he moved out. I found a hideous corduroy suit that he had left behind when he moved out and went back upstairs to try it on. I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I think for the first time. I was excited but wary and confused too.
After a while I told my shrink that I thought that I would prefer to be a boy. He got pretty excited too. Looking back I think that he figured he could get a paper out of me. He told me not to tell my parents but I did tell some of my friends and they were really cool about it. That was a long time ago and there weren't supports or the internet like there is now. I felt really alone, but I was pretty much living as a boy and enjoying life as much as I could.
My shrink's thought was that I would move to Toronto and leave my family and friends behind and go to the Clark Institute, which was treating transsexuals (that was the term used then) back then. The impression that he gave me was that I couldn't keep the same friends that I had and my family would reject me. Very scary thoughts for a 16 year old, well 17 by then. I had a really hard time keeping it from my family and finally I came out to my mom. She was really, really, really mad, I mean really. She told me years later that her first thought was to put us both in the car and drive us over a cliff.
It was a very tense couple of months. My dad kind of came around and looked into treatments for me, mostly treatments that made me stay a girl. My mom talked to a lawyer and my doctor and planned a lawsuit (again I didn't find this out until a couple of years ago). They sent me to the transsexual specialist in my small city for an interview. This guy was my key to getting treatment (sex change, they called it then). It was the strangest hour of my life. This guy asked me a slew of questions but I don't remember him looking at me once. At the end of the hour he declared that I was not transsexual, I just wanted to be someone else. Of course with a lawsuit over his head, who could blame him, but I didn't know that was going on in the background. My original shrink left the country.
I was so upset, I didn't know what to think. I had a long walk/bus ride home, and all I could think about was who I could possibly be, if this someone else that I wanted to be felt so much like me. When I got home and told my mom, she was delighted. Everyone was happy except me. I was confused.
The whole experience left me with thinking that others knew who I was better than I did. I went about trying to be a girl, but because of these feelings I didn't have any direction. If someone wanted to have sex with me, it must mean that I wanted to have sex with them. Over the years I tended to isolate myself. I was very plain-Jane. I had someone tell me once that I should dress much cooler than I did given my personality.
About 8 or 9 years ago my transgendered feelings started to resurface. I had got myself into an abusive relationship and discussed it with my counselor at the housing I was staying in. I don't present as very male, to tell you the truth. I came out to a friend and she said that there was absolutely nothing male about me because she wasn't afraid of me. I squashed the feelings down and tried to be a girl again, but every once in awhile the feelings would come back. I moved on and found a better man. Two years ago the feelings came back again. My husband and I talked about it and I figured that it was just that my original shrink had somehow convinced me that I was transgendered and I had some kind of residual confusion. But the feelings came back again when my mother because terminally ill. I think that knowing that she would not be around made me feel safe enough to allow those feelings to resurface. Not that I didn't love my mom, other than what happened when I came out to her, we had a really good relationship. When my husband found out that I was looking at transgendered and queer websites looking for help, he flipped. That was almost a year ago or so. We are still together and I'm struggling my way though how I feel. I imagine that he is too.
A little background on who I am and why I'm starting this blog. I'm 42 years old, I have a husband and son and I've realized or rerealized over the past year that I am FTM transgendered. That is, I have a female body but I feel like I'm a male person.
I've spent some time trying to remember my childhood, looking for signs. Other than confusion when I played you show me yours and I'll show you mine with a neighbor girl and finding it weird that we looked the same "down there", insisting to my mom that I be allowed to go shirtless and walking in on my brother in the bath and finding it weird that he looked different "down there" I haven't been able to find much. I always had a feeling that there was something wrong though. I dreaded my period and was prayed every day that I wouldn't get it, I was devastated when it came.
When I was 16 or so, I was home alone wandering around the house feeling, well I'm not sure how to describe it, unfulfilled maybe? It dawned on me to go downstairs where my brother had left some clothes when he moved out. I found a hideous corduroy suit that he had left behind when he moved out and went back upstairs to try it on. I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I think for the first time. I was excited but wary and confused too.
After a while I told my shrink that I thought that I would prefer to be a boy. He got pretty excited too. Looking back I think that he figured he could get a paper out of me. He told me not to tell my parents but I did tell some of my friends and they were really cool about it. That was a long time ago and there weren't supports or the internet like there is now. I felt really alone, but I was pretty much living as a boy and enjoying life as much as I could.
My shrink's thought was that I would move to Toronto and leave my family and friends behind and go to the Clark Institute, which was treating transsexuals (that was the term used then) back then. The impression that he gave me was that I couldn't keep the same friends that I had and my family would reject me. Very scary thoughts for a 16 year old, well 17 by then. I had a really hard time keeping it from my family and finally I came out to my mom. She was really, really, really mad, I mean really. She told me years later that her first thought was to put us both in the car and drive us over a cliff.
It was a very tense couple of months. My dad kind of came around and looked into treatments for me, mostly treatments that made me stay a girl. My mom talked to a lawyer and my doctor and planned a lawsuit (again I didn't find this out until a couple of years ago). They sent me to the transsexual specialist in my small city for an interview. This guy was my key to getting treatment (sex change, they called it then). It was the strangest hour of my life. This guy asked me a slew of questions but I don't remember him looking at me once. At the end of the hour he declared that I was not transsexual, I just wanted to be someone else. Of course with a lawsuit over his head, who could blame him, but I didn't know that was going on in the background. My original shrink left the country.
I was so upset, I didn't know what to think. I had a long walk/bus ride home, and all I could think about was who I could possibly be, if this someone else that I wanted to be felt so much like me. When I got home and told my mom, she was delighted. Everyone was happy except me. I was confused.
The whole experience left me with thinking that others knew who I was better than I did. I went about trying to be a girl, but because of these feelings I didn't have any direction. If someone wanted to have sex with me, it must mean that I wanted to have sex with them. Over the years I tended to isolate myself. I was very plain-Jane. I had someone tell me once that I should dress much cooler than I did given my personality.
About 8 or 9 years ago my transgendered feelings started to resurface. I had got myself into an abusive relationship and discussed it with my counselor at the housing I was staying in. I don't present as very male, to tell you the truth. I came out to a friend and she said that there was absolutely nothing male about me because she wasn't afraid of me. I squashed the feelings down and tried to be a girl again, but every once in awhile the feelings would come back. I moved on and found a better man. Two years ago the feelings came back again. My husband and I talked about it and I figured that it was just that my original shrink had somehow convinced me that I was transgendered and I had some kind of residual confusion. But the feelings came back again when my mother because terminally ill. I think that knowing that she would not be around made me feel safe enough to allow those feelings to resurface. Not that I didn't love my mom, other than what happened when I came out to her, we had a really good relationship. When my husband found out that I was looking at transgendered and queer websites looking for help, he flipped. That was almost a year ago or so. We are still together and I'm struggling my way though how I feel. I imagine that he is too.
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