I put my packer on just before I made my last post. The combination of feelings I've felt since then is almost overwhelming and I'm getting a headache. Some of them I never thought that a person could possibly feel at the same time. Shame and joy, contentment and self loathing and longing: fear, fear, fear. I wish I could be any other way but the way I am. I was watching Princess and I want so, so, so badly to want to want to be a woman. So much of my makeup seems to be awash in shame. Key events, the core of who I am, the things I want. I wish I could be in control of what I feel, but now I realize that I can't, but at the same time I don't want to let go of the control that I did have for all those years, even though that control made me almost oblivious to the world around me. I want to look at people and actually see them and I'd give almost anything to have people actually see me, but at the same time the fear sometimes feels almost overwhelming.
What happens when my son is older and will be judged only on his own merit instead of who his mother is? What will happen then? What would he think of me as an adult if I did transition? If I do and I'm happy, what kind of example would I be, a person who denied one of the core features of human nature? Am I just trying to talk myself into being okay with this right now? I couldn't stay here. My son would not be able to go to the same school or have the same friends. I can't do that to him and I'm not even 100% sure it's even what I want although at this point I can't see any indicators that I am wrong in this. If I allow myself to feel more male, will I get closer to being able to pass? Is that a good thing? That fucking doctor, I feel like I can't trust anything I think about myself because of him and I'm afraid to find another doctor who might be able to help me sort this out because of him.
No comments:
Post a Comment