Inbetweener

I've been feeling sad and frustrated lately.  I masturbated to gay porn for the first time the other night and cried afterwords.  My gender seems to be the elephant in the room between my husband and I.  We allude to it sometimes but we rarely ever talk about it.  I worry that I can't be the woman that he wants me to be and I can't be the man I want to be.  I wouldn't mind some appreciation for the sacrifice that I feel I am making for my family.  I'm not convinced that I would pursue hormones or SRS even if they were not in the picture, but the option would be there at least.

A friend told me that I am her best friend today.  I don't feel like her best friend because I have this secret from her.  It is so hard for me to talk to anyone about it.  Thank god for the internet.  I also have the opportunity to meet a trans or trans-friendly person in the local area.  Honestly, I am terribly frightened that my trans feelings will be confirmed by others and then I will really want to transition.

I'm afraid that this life that I have would not be enough anymore if someone accepted me for who I am.  This whole thing is just so steeped in fear for me.  The major fear of my mother finding out has been lifted but it seems to have been replaced by so many others.