It stopped

My period/spotting finally stopped.  It felt weird wearing my packer with a pad on because it got hung up on it.  Plus I couldn't put a pad on with my men's underwear.  I'm looking forward to being able to wear them both again. 

Sometimes I wonder how much my hormone level affects how I feel about my gender.  This new iud has hormones in it.  I have noticed a cycle of feelings that correlates with my cycle.  Towards the end of my period and to about half way through my cycle the feelings are stronger.  Then I get cramps and the feelings lessen considerably.  I don't ever feel girly but it gets so much easier.

Looking at women on TV.  I so want to want to be a woman.  Because when it comes down to it I feel masculine but the amount of stuff that I would have to change about myself to pass as a woman becoming a man would be insane.  What would be the point of changing my body to be more myself if I have to become less myself to do it?

Sometimes I consider changing in ways that make me feel more myself.  Again I think that life might be easier if I were a lesbian.  There was a conductor at the concert.  A woman who dressed very manly.  Why can't I be more like that?  I also wonder how I come across.  People seem incredulous when I say I won't wear a dress or makeup ever.  Like I'm some kind of normal girl.  Sometimes I wish that people could see.  Other times I'm glad they can't.  There is a line somewhere I guess that to cross it could make my life very difficult.  Obviously I'm not there yet.  I do wonder if the people I know ever question who I am.  I guess my theory is true, as long as I have boobs and have sex with men, I'm normal LOL.

You know it's hard for me to think of myself as male when I've had my fucking period for a month now.  When will this end!!!!!!!!  I should really buy stock in always, at least I'd get some benefit from this.

The way I feel today

I'm feeling really masculine today.  The more I settle into these feelings and explore them, the more masculine and less effeminate I feel.  I did a test on brain sex differences on, I think it was the BBC website and I have the brain of an average UK male.  I took it before and did really badly on a section that I score in the top 2% of the GATB, but this time I realized that I read the instructions wrong.

I've decided to start to push ups in addition to my yoga to increase me upper body strength.  I'm also somewhat actively trying to lose weight.  That would reduce my breast size and give me more options in sports bras and maybe make me able to bind.

I'm trying to get past the "feminine" things that I do, like knitting and sewing and stuff.  I wonder what a world would be like if gender were just part of who you are and had nothing to do with what you do.  I can also be more exuberant than the average male.  I can't help thinking of all the mannerisms and things like that that I've developed to pass in the female world or are just part of me that would have been beaten or berated out of me had I been born male.  I also wonder how many I've developed and how many are just part of my make up?  My son used to stick his pinky out when he picked things up, I do that, but now he doesn't any more.  I could never change who I am to pass, but what parts of me are actually me and how much is made up?  Too many questions are giving me a headache.

Bra

I bought a couple new sports bras the other day and today is my first day to try one.  It`s the same company as the last one I had but they have a different design.  Binds better but still doesn`t do the job, kind of tight and uncomfortable although I imagine that will pass with time, also you can see the straps in a T-shirt because they are close to my neck.  I really need to lose weight so there are more products open to me.  The discomfort of this one makes me think that could not bind on a regular basis.

A new day

I feel a little better today.  More comfortable in my own skin.  I also feel more masculine today.  I didn't notice people looking at me but I wasn't in any kind of place where one would linger like yesterday.  I guess today I was more in the 'now' and less in some future when I have no idea what my future will be like.  I posted on Laura's Playground looking for a therapist but no luck yet.  Good thoughts though, they are good people there.  Even if I had the name of someone I could go to, I can't see me going any time soon.  That fear is just too strong right now.  I got a couple more sports bras today.  I really can't see me wearing a binder.  If I lost weight, my breasts would get smaller.  Why can't I take the initiative to do the things that would make me feel better and be better?

Packer day 2

I put my packer on just before I made my last post.  The combination of feelings I've felt since then is almost overwhelming and I'm getting a headache.  Some of them I never thought that a person could possibly feel at the same time.  Shame and joy, contentment and self loathing and longing: fear, fear, fear.  I wish I could be any other way but the way I am.  I was watching Princess and I want so, so, so badly to want to want to be a woman.  So much of my makeup seems to be awash in shame.  Key events, the core of who I am, the things I want.  I wish I could be in control of what I feel, but now I realize that I can't, but at the same time I don't want to let go of the control that I did have for all those years, even though that control made me almost oblivious to the world around me.  I want to look at people and actually see them and I'd give almost anything to have people actually see me, but at the same time the fear sometimes feels almost overwhelming. 

What happens when my son is older and will be judged only on his own merit instead of who his mother is?  What will happen then?  What would he think of me as an adult if I did transition?  If I do and I'm happy, what kind of example would I be, a person who denied one of the core features of human nature?  Am I just trying to talk myself into being okay with this right now?  I couldn't stay here.  My son would not be able to go to the same school or have the same friends.  I can't do that to him and I'm not even 100% sure it's even what I want although at this point I can't see any indicators that I am wrong in this.  If I allow myself to feel more male, will I get closer to being able to pass?  Is that a good thing?  That fucking doctor, I feel like I can't trust anything I think about myself because of him and I'm afraid to find another doctor who might be able to help me sort this out because of him.

packer, life and the world at large

I'm not sure if I blogged about this first story before, if so bear with me.

The way that I very first realized I wanted to be a boy, at around 16, I was kicking around the house one day by myself.  I don't know what possessed me to do this, I'm sure I must have had at least some kind of inkling of feeling that I wanted to be a boy and was tossing the idea around in my head.  Anyway, my brother had moved out but had left some of his old clothes down the basement.  I went down and looked for the most definitively male outfit I could find, which turned out to be an ugly beige corduroy suit.  I put it on and looked in my mother's full length mirror.  It is hard to describe the feeling I had, it was like seeing myself for the very first time.  Like every time I had ever looked in the mirror before I had been seeing someone else.

This weekend I got a packer.  As soon as I got home I put it down my pants and I felt like myself for the first time.  I only had it on for an hour or so before I had to take it off to go out and when I did I missed it so much, like it had always been a part of me and after such a short time it was gone.  I got a hard packer too and I'm pretty sure that I can make myself cum with it, but I haven't tried yet.

Today though, I was reminded that the world would have no time for me and I would fuck my son's life up soo much if I tried to transition.  My son was at a sleepover at his best friend's stepmom's house for the weekend.  When she was still with the boy's father we used to hang out and she called me this morning to ask me to come over for coffee when I went to pick my son, so I did.  We talked about the kids and all this stuff.  I found out she's become a Mormon.  Anyway I brought up gays and lesbians in the United Church and I could tell by her reaction that wasn't a place she was willing to go.  The boy's father won't let his son play with another boy because he thinks he's gay.  This is my son's best friend in the world and it would break his heart if he couldn't visit him or have him come over because his mom's a freak.  That's on top of my worry about work and my safety and just life in the world and passing.  I wish I were a stronger person.  I've got the evening and weekend be who you really are plan in my pay as you go life.

Things I used to think

God, I wish I had the internet when I was 16.  I see young people getting so much support when I go to different online trans forums and pages.  I would know that the things that I used to think about being trans are not true and there isn't only one way to be trans.  Walking home from the shrink who rejected me I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I did/said wrong.  That was the '80s then and maybe the experts thought wrong, I guess.  I've heard of people running into the same stereotypes in mental health professionals even today.

Here are some things that I used to think about FTM transgendered/transsexual people including myself:

• An FTM cannot have an orgasm without transition
• An FTM cannot be attracted to men
• An FTM is disgusted by his female parts and cannot enjoy them
• An FTM would never be happy to be pregnant.
• An FTM would never go and get a gynecological exam

There are probably more and I'm not saying that my experience is everyone's experience, but the fact that I am attracted to men, enjoy sex, was very happy to carry my son and I do (although reluctantly) take care of my reproductive health does not mean that I am not transgendered.

I really should try to find a therapist, but I am so afraid of that.  I've looked a bit and I haven't been able to find a psychologist who openly specializes in gender therapy.  Plus my insurance would only cover a few appointments.  I can't ever see me telling my doctor and I asked for the to send me to the mental health and she didn't.  She seems to think that drugs are the answer to everything.

Toys

I think that I might have to order them on-line but I'm hoping to get a packer soon.  At least I'll be able to be more myself at home.  I don't think that I could wear a binder, my sports bra is uncomfortable after a fairly short time.  I might try though, I don't know. 

I still wonder what kind of man I would be.  I've been letting my mind go there, watching men in life and on TV/movies and comparing what I think of myself and compare myself to them.  It is still so hard to allow my mind to go there, to let my mind free of the restraints I've put on it for so long.

Funny, when I was in Toronto and long after I thought that I had left this behind I had this little thing I would do at work.  I had a mailing list and I would ask a question every day.  I thought that I had a good question book, but the one I found was not good at all and I ended up having to make one up every single day.  So one of the questions I asked was what actor would you like to be and in what movie.  I can't remember the movie but I remember that I wanted to be Bruce Willis.

Grief, confusion and heartache

My mother died just over a year ago.  When I was 17 and more or less living as a boy, completely ready to go away and start SRS, I came out to my mother.  I found out much later that her impulse that day was to put us both in the car and drive us off a cliff.  For the first time in a long time I remember the tension of that time living with her knowing that she hated who I was so much, that much.  I think that is when most of my suicide attempts were.  I also found out at that same time that she was starting a law suit that drove my shrink out of the country which in turn caused the next shrink I saw who was the gate to SRS to tell me that I just wanted to be someone else.  The man I wanted to be died that day and my parents were sooooo happy, especially my mom.  My friends that I had come out to thought I was some kind of attention seeking lesbian freak even though I fucked more guys than they did.

That man got buried so deep for her that I couldn't even start to glimpse that part of myself until she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  So, if I experiment with these feelings and find that I am happier being male, then my  mom fucked up my life royally.  I could have been happy at 18 or so instead of waiting until I'm in my mid-forties,  but how can I be mad at her, she's dead?  The guilt at being mad at her and the possibility of freedom because she is  no longer in my life can be overwhelming.

People II

I've been giving it some thought and I think that it bothers me that people have feelings because their feelings could be hurt and that could hurt me.  When my son was littler he wanted me to help another child, he begged me to.  Luckily for me the child's caregiver showed up before too much came from it.  I recognized myself in my son at that moment and I also recognized how much I had suppressed those feelings just to be able to live in the world.  Now I wonder if we are both plugged into our glowing boxes trying hard not to feel.  Luckily neither of us have problems sleeping so we can unplug and go right to sleep.  I feel bad for my son though because there was a time for me where I could just be me with myself, alone with no distractions.  I don't know if he's ever been like that.

People

I don't know why but sometimes it really bothers me that other people have feelings.  Not the people that I care about.  Sometimes I'll see a picture, video or even a movie and it will flash in my mind 'that person has feelings' and I get a little angry about it.  It goes away pretty quickly although there are times that it will come back again and again.   I don't get it.  I don't remember it happening in real life with real people, but maybe it has.  Always with strangers though.  I can go pretty deeply into it even though it only lasts moments.  That person feels love, pain, joy, sadness, all the things that I feel and I can't stand them for it.  I guess I should think about that.  I wonder if I get angry because that person has feelings so I might hurt them.  But then why would it happen for movies?  They aren't real people.  This feeling can't possibly be unique to me, there must be others who feel this way.  Thinking about it, I think that I have gone through bouts of feeling this way before.  It comes and goes.

Long time

This was supposed to be a journal of my journey but there is no journey, just an almost constant level of frustration.  There is no moving forward.  My husband and I have decided to open our relationship so he can experience intimacy with a real female.  Technically it's open on my end but who the hell would I find who could see me for who I really am?

I have a lump in my breast.  I've read online that whatever it is, it is unlikely to be cancerous.  I have found that it is completely impossible to find the number for the breast screening clinic.  You wouldn't think that it would be that hard.  I have mixed feelings.  I know that if I had to have a mastectomy there is no way that I could have reconstruction done or wear a prosthesis.  Well, it's not even a bridge I have to think about burning at this point I guess.


I've been working on overcoming my depression.  I heard on the radio that not daydreaming is the key to happiness.   I can really see that.  I've been trying to keep my mind occupied.  So far rock band and cleaning seem to be the best way to do it.  It's working a little bit, hard to keep up though.  I sure hope that I can.

Effeminate

I wonder if I am effeminate enough that I could completely be myself and not have anyone even bat an eyelash?   Not to the point of wearing women's clothing, I just can't do that anymore at all.  Funny how things progress.  Two years ago I could wear skirts and I didn't even think about it.  Now I get nauseous just thinking about it.  I honestly don't get that. 

Sometimes things like that make me think that it is all just in my mind.  I've been playing a character for so long I worry that this new me is just another character.  Everything seems to be changing so organically, some things I don't mind, others I'm not sure of. 

I wish that I could put on a dress.  I have to go to a friend's wedding and I have no idea what I'm going to wear.  I can't go in men's dress clothes.  The friend's soon to be husband knows people who know my husband and she's from work and I'm going with someone else from work and it would be really, really bad.  So, I'm not putting on a dress but I'll be wearing a women's blouse and I'll be the character once again.  It is so hard not being out.  And I can't see coming out any time soon.  The closest I ever come is telling people that I'm not a girly girl.

Inbetweener

I've been feeling sad and frustrated lately.  I masturbated to gay porn for the first time the other night and cried afterwords.  My gender seems to be the elephant in the room between my husband and I.  We allude to it sometimes but we rarely ever talk about it.  I worry that I can't be the woman that he wants me to be and I can't be the man I want to be.  I wouldn't mind some appreciation for the sacrifice that I feel I am making for my family.  I'm not convinced that I would pursue hormones or SRS even if they were not in the picture, but the option would be there at least.

A friend told me that I am her best friend today.  I don't feel like her best friend because I have this secret from her.  It is so hard for me to talk to anyone about it.  Thank god for the internet.  I also have the opportunity to meet a trans or trans-friendly person in the local area.  Honestly, I am terribly frightened that my trans feelings will be confirmed by others and then I will really want to transition.

I'm afraid that this life that I have would not be enough anymore if someone accepted me for who I am.  This whole thing is just so steeped in fear for me.  The major fear of my mother finding out has been lifted but it seems to have been replaced by so many others.

Everything to lose

My level of frustration is very high right now.  My goal a while ago was to meet people that I could be out to.  Now I have pulled back from that and although the urge to be out is very high, I'm afraid of what meeting people and having people accept me might lead to.  I can have a chance at happiness and royally screw up two people's lives or I can live with this frustration.  I wonder if it is even possible to be actually happy like this?  I try not to even think about transition, but it is hard not to.  Would I lose my hair if I went on T?  Would I get chest and maybe even back hair?  What would my chest look like without breasts?  How would people treat me if I tried to live as a man where I am so effeminate?  Would the guy I flirt with at work punch me in the face?  Sometimes I feel like my life is made up entirely of impossible dreams.

Confidence?

Several (many?) years ago, when I was only occasionally flirting with the idea that I might be transgendered, I gave a speech at a benefit dinner and auction.  People were amazed at my confidence.  I have had people comment on my confidence since and it thoroughly confuses me.  I have most of the same insecurities that most of the people I know do.  I think that it might be my masculinity emerging.  I think that it took a lot of energy to not be myself, and as I let me be myself as much as I can, then I can focus my energy on other things.  I'm not really sure how it works, but I like me more now.

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian

I don't know if lesbian is the right term, where I feel like I'm male.  I guess sometimes I wish that I were attracted only to women.  If I were then I would have to enter the GBLT community in order to find a relationship, or at least that would be the most likely place to find one.  Also it might give me an opportunity to talk to people about my sexuality and gender identity. This is just a thought experiment.  I could be completely wrong.

Question 1

The following is a question by Madeline H. Wyndzen to help explore transgenderism. 

Imagine you could start life over, right from the moment you were born. Knowing everything you know now, you get to choose which sex you are born. What choice would you make? Why did you make that choice? What might be better about your life as the sex you chose? What might be worse about your life as the sex you chose? 

This question really got me because I haven't had the best life ever.  It's pretty good now, but it hasn't always been.  Also I find that a shrinks diagnoses of me wanting to be someone else has clouded my thoughts on my gender for a very long time.  If I chose to have been born the boy I feel I am, which is gay and somewhat effeminate, I doubt that my young life in the 70's and 80's would have been very pleasant.  On the other had, it is likely that I would have escaped the sexual abuse that happened to me on two occasions. 

Being transgendered led to depression and frustration until I knew what I was.  Even as a teen, knowing who I was for a short time, faced with leaving friends and family behind at the prospect of living my life as I felt it should be lived filled me with fear and apprehension at the same time as it filled me with hope.  Then 20-odd "lost years" while I was trying to be a female, during which I had no direction or ambition and almost no will of my own.  After my son was born, I got my act together a bit, but that was for another person, not myself.  Now I live with frustration and confusion.  I feel like I have a secret and no one really knows me.  I think that I would prefer to have lived my life without that if I didn't know about this life because I could not give up my son and husband for anything.

Isolation and frustration

My mother died just over 5 months ago.  My transgendered feelings have become much more intense since then.  I belong to a forum and someone on there posted to me that sometimes we keep secrets for other people and I think that is the case with me.  The only people that I was really worried about finding out about my gender were my mother and my aunt, who died a month ago.  I realize now how I have isolated myself.  My mother was my only social contact outside of my home.  We talked at least a couple times a day.  Now I would really like to reach out but I have no idea how.

When I started to try to be a girl in my late teens I developed a fear of the queer community.  The last thing that I wanted to do was meet someone like me who was happy and well adjusted.  I feel kind of bad about that because a friend of mine reached out to me to go with him to a group for young GBLTs and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  He was pretty messed up and ended up much worse over time.  Now I want to reach out and I have no idea how to do it, or how I might be accepted.  I have one friend and I'm afraid to come out to that person because I don't know how discrete she would be and we work together.  Also some of the people I have come out to in the past have worked really hard to put me back the way I was, or flat out have not believed me.

My isolation has lead to frustration.  I really want to have friends who I am out to and accept me, but I don't know how to reach out.  Funny, I was thinking today that the way I am feeling now, the bursting frustration, is the same was I felt leading up to coming out to my mom.  I don't want to make the wrong move, I don't want to come out to the wrong person and make trouble for myself or my family or ruin a friendship.  Unfortunately, my frustration has leaked out into my job satisfaction and my parenting.  I don't know what to do.  I asked a social worker for help but she got nowhere.  Someone mentioned a group in Ontario that I might contact.  It is very far away but I have to do something.  I could cause myself considerable damage in my present state.