It stopped

My period/spotting finally stopped.  It felt weird wearing my packer with a pad on because it got hung up on it.  Plus I couldn't put a pad on with my men's underwear.  I'm looking forward to being able to wear them both again. 

Sometimes I wonder how much my hormone level affects how I feel about my gender.  This new iud has hormones in it.  I have noticed a cycle of feelings that correlates with my cycle.  Towards the end of my period and to about half way through my cycle the feelings are stronger.  Then I get cramps and the feelings lessen considerably.  I don't ever feel girly but it gets so much easier.

Looking at women on TV.  I so want to want to be a woman.  Because when it comes down to it I feel masculine but the amount of stuff that I would have to change about myself to pass as a woman becoming a man would be insane.  What would be the point of changing my body to be more myself if I have to become less myself to do it?

Sometimes I consider changing in ways that make me feel more myself.  Again I think that life might be easier if I were a lesbian.  There was a conductor at the concert.  A woman who dressed very manly.  Why can't I be more like that?  I also wonder how I come across.  People seem incredulous when I say I won't wear a dress or makeup ever.  Like I'm some kind of normal girl.  Sometimes I wish that people could see.  Other times I'm glad they can't.  There is a line somewhere I guess that to cross it could make my life very difficult.  Obviously I'm not there yet.  I do wonder if the people I know ever question who I am.  I guess my theory is true, as long as I have boobs and have sex with men, I'm normal LOL.

You know it's hard for me to think of myself as male when I've had my fucking period for a month now.  When will this end!!!!!!!!  I should really buy stock in always, at least I'd get some benefit from this.

The way I feel today

I'm feeling really masculine today.  The more I settle into these feelings and explore them, the more masculine and less effeminate I feel.  I did a test on brain sex differences on, I think it was the BBC website and I have the brain of an average UK male.  I took it before and did really badly on a section that I score in the top 2% of the GATB, but this time I realized that I read the instructions wrong.

I've decided to start to push ups in addition to my yoga to increase me upper body strength.  I'm also somewhat actively trying to lose weight.  That would reduce my breast size and give me more options in sports bras and maybe make me able to bind.

I'm trying to get past the "feminine" things that I do, like knitting and sewing and stuff.  I wonder what a world would be like if gender were just part of who you are and had nothing to do with what you do.  I can also be more exuberant than the average male.  I can't help thinking of all the mannerisms and things like that that I've developed to pass in the female world or are just part of me that would have been beaten or berated out of me had I been born male.  I also wonder how many I've developed and how many are just part of my make up?  My son used to stick his pinky out when he picked things up, I do that, but now he doesn't any more.  I could never change who I am to pass, but what parts of me are actually me and how much is made up?  Too many questions are giving me a headache.

Bra

I bought a couple new sports bras the other day and today is my first day to try one.  It`s the same company as the last one I had but they have a different design.  Binds better but still doesn`t do the job, kind of tight and uncomfortable although I imagine that will pass with time, also you can see the straps in a T-shirt because they are close to my neck.  I really need to lose weight so there are more products open to me.  The discomfort of this one makes me think that could not bind on a regular basis.

A new day

I feel a little better today.  More comfortable in my own skin.  I also feel more masculine today.  I didn't notice people looking at me but I wasn't in any kind of place where one would linger like yesterday.  I guess today I was more in the 'now' and less in some future when I have no idea what my future will be like.  I posted on Laura's Playground looking for a therapist but no luck yet.  Good thoughts though, they are good people there.  Even if I had the name of someone I could go to, I can't see me going any time soon.  That fear is just too strong right now.  I got a couple more sports bras today.  I really can't see me wearing a binder.  If I lost weight, my breasts would get smaller.  Why can't I take the initiative to do the things that would make me feel better and be better?

Packer day 2

I put my packer on just before I made my last post.  The combination of feelings I've felt since then is almost overwhelming and I'm getting a headache.  Some of them I never thought that a person could possibly feel at the same time.  Shame and joy, contentment and self loathing and longing: fear, fear, fear.  I wish I could be any other way but the way I am.  I was watching Princess and I want so, so, so badly to want to want to be a woman.  So much of my makeup seems to be awash in shame.  Key events, the core of who I am, the things I want.  I wish I could be in control of what I feel, but now I realize that I can't, but at the same time I don't want to let go of the control that I did have for all those years, even though that control made me almost oblivious to the world around me.  I want to look at people and actually see them and I'd give almost anything to have people actually see me, but at the same time the fear sometimes feels almost overwhelming. 

What happens when my son is older and will be judged only on his own merit instead of who his mother is?  What will happen then?  What would he think of me as an adult if I did transition?  If I do and I'm happy, what kind of example would I be, a person who denied one of the core features of human nature?  Am I just trying to talk myself into being okay with this right now?  I couldn't stay here.  My son would not be able to go to the same school or have the same friends.  I can't do that to him and I'm not even 100% sure it's even what I want although at this point I can't see any indicators that I am wrong in this.  If I allow myself to feel more male, will I get closer to being able to pass?  Is that a good thing?  That fucking doctor, I feel like I can't trust anything I think about myself because of him and I'm afraid to find another doctor who might be able to help me sort this out because of him.

packer, life and the world at large

I'm not sure if I blogged about this first story before, if so bear with me.

The way that I very first realized I wanted to be a boy, at around 16, I was kicking around the house one day by myself.  I don't know what possessed me to do this, I'm sure I must have had at least some kind of inkling of feeling that I wanted to be a boy and was tossing the idea around in my head.  Anyway, my brother had moved out but had left some of his old clothes down the basement.  I went down and looked for the most definitively male outfit I could find, which turned out to be an ugly beige corduroy suit.  I put it on and looked in my mother's full length mirror.  It is hard to describe the feeling I had, it was like seeing myself for the very first time.  Like every time I had ever looked in the mirror before I had been seeing someone else.

This weekend I got a packer.  As soon as I got home I put it down my pants and I felt like myself for the first time.  I only had it on for an hour or so before I had to take it off to go out and when I did I missed it so much, like it had always been a part of me and after such a short time it was gone.  I got a hard packer too and I'm pretty sure that I can make myself cum with it, but I haven't tried yet.

Today though, I was reminded that the world would have no time for me and I would fuck my son's life up soo much if I tried to transition.  My son was at a sleepover at his best friend's stepmom's house for the weekend.  When she was still with the boy's father we used to hang out and she called me this morning to ask me to come over for coffee when I went to pick my son, so I did.  We talked about the kids and all this stuff.  I found out she's become a Mormon.  Anyway I brought up gays and lesbians in the United Church and I could tell by her reaction that wasn't a place she was willing to go.  The boy's father won't let his son play with another boy because he thinks he's gay.  This is my son's best friend in the world and it would break his heart if he couldn't visit him or have him come over because his mom's a freak.  That's on top of my worry about work and my safety and just life in the world and passing.  I wish I were a stronger person.  I've got the evening and weekend be who you really are plan in my pay as you go life.