Things I used to think

God, I wish I had the internet when I was 16.  I see young people getting so much support when I go to different online trans forums and pages.  I would know that the things that I used to think about being trans are not true and there isn't only one way to be trans.  Walking home from the shrink who rejected me I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I did/said wrong.  That was the '80s then and maybe the experts thought wrong, I guess.  I've heard of people running into the same stereotypes in mental health professionals even today.

Here are some things that I used to think about FTM transgendered/transsexual people including myself:

• An FTM cannot have an orgasm without transition
• An FTM cannot be attracted to men
• An FTM is disgusted by his female parts and cannot enjoy them
• An FTM would never be happy to be pregnant.
• An FTM would never go and get a gynecological exam

There are probably more and I'm not saying that my experience is everyone's experience, but the fact that I am attracted to men, enjoy sex, was very happy to carry my son and I do (although reluctantly) take care of my reproductive health does not mean that I am not transgendered.

I really should try to find a therapist, but I am so afraid of that.  I've looked a bit and I haven't been able to find a psychologist who openly specializes in gender therapy.  Plus my insurance would only cover a few appointments.  I can't ever see me telling my doctor and I asked for the to send me to the mental health and she didn't.  She seems to think that drugs are the answer to everything.

Toys

I think that I might have to order them on-line but I'm hoping to get a packer soon.  At least I'll be able to be more myself at home.  I don't think that I could wear a binder, my sports bra is uncomfortable after a fairly short time.  I might try though, I don't know. 

I still wonder what kind of man I would be.  I've been letting my mind go there, watching men in life and on TV/movies and comparing what I think of myself and compare myself to them.  It is still so hard to allow my mind to go there, to let my mind free of the restraints I've put on it for so long.

Funny, when I was in Toronto and long after I thought that I had left this behind I had this little thing I would do at work.  I had a mailing list and I would ask a question every day.  I thought that I had a good question book, but the one I found was not good at all and I ended up having to make one up every single day.  So one of the questions I asked was what actor would you like to be and in what movie.  I can't remember the movie but I remember that I wanted to be Bruce Willis.

Grief, confusion and heartache

My mother died just over a year ago.  When I was 17 and more or less living as a boy, completely ready to go away and start SRS, I came out to my mother.  I found out much later that her impulse that day was to put us both in the car and drive us off a cliff.  For the first time in a long time I remember the tension of that time living with her knowing that she hated who I was so much, that much.  I think that is when most of my suicide attempts were.  I also found out at that same time that she was starting a law suit that drove my shrink out of the country which in turn caused the next shrink I saw who was the gate to SRS to tell me that I just wanted to be someone else.  The man I wanted to be died that day and my parents were sooooo happy, especially my mom.  My friends that I had come out to thought I was some kind of attention seeking lesbian freak even though I fucked more guys than they did.

That man got buried so deep for her that I couldn't even start to glimpse that part of myself until she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  So, if I experiment with these feelings and find that I am happier being male, then my  mom fucked up my life royally.  I could have been happy at 18 or so instead of waiting until I'm in my mid-forties,  but how can I be mad at her, she's dead?  The guilt at being mad at her and the possibility of freedom because she is  no longer in my life can be overwhelming.

People II

I've been giving it some thought and I think that it bothers me that people have feelings because their feelings could be hurt and that could hurt me.  When my son was littler he wanted me to help another child, he begged me to.  Luckily for me the child's caregiver showed up before too much came from it.  I recognized myself in my son at that moment and I also recognized how much I had suppressed those feelings just to be able to live in the world.  Now I wonder if we are both plugged into our glowing boxes trying hard not to feel.  Luckily neither of us have problems sleeping so we can unplug and go right to sleep.  I feel bad for my son though because there was a time for me where I could just be me with myself, alone with no distractions.  I don't know if he's ever been like that.

People

I don't know why but sometimes it really bothers me that other people have feelings.  Not the people that I care about.  Sometimes I'll see a picture, video or even a movie and it will flash in my mind 'that person has feelings' and I get a little angry about it.  It goes away pretty quickly although there are times that it will come back again and again.   I don't get it.  I don't remember it happening in real life with real people, but maybe it has.  Always with strangers though.  I can go pretty deeply into it even though it only lasts moments.  That person feels love, pain, joy, sadness, all the things that I feel and I can't stand them for it.  I guess I should think about that.  I wonder if I get angry because that person has feelings so I might hurt them.  But then why would it happen for movies?  They aren't real people.  This feeling can't possibly be unique to me, there must be others who feel this way.  Thinking about it, I think that I have gone through bouts of feeling this way before.  It comes and goes.

Long time

This was supposed to be a journal of my journey but there is no journey, just an almost constant level of frustration.  There is no moving forward.  My husband and I have decided to open our relationship so he can experience intimacy with a real female.  Technically it's open on my end but who the hell would I find who could see me for who I really am?

I have a lump in my breast.  I've read online that whatever it is, it is unlikely to be cancerous.  I have found that it is completely impossible to find the number for the breast screening clinic.  You wouldn't think that it would be that hard.  I have mixed feelings.  I know that if I had to have a mastectomy there is no way that I could have reconstruction done or wear a prosthesis.  Well, it's not even a bridge I have to think about burning at this point I guess.


I've been working on overcoming my depression.  I heard on the radio that not daydreaming is the key to happiness.   I can really see that.  I've been trying to keep my mind occupied.  So far rock band and cleaning seem to be the best way to do it.  It's working a little bit, hard to keep up though.  I sure hope that I can.

Effeminate

I wonder if I am effeminate enough that I could completely be myself and not have anyone even bat an eyelash?   Not to the point of wearing women's clothing, I just can't do that anymore at all.  Funny how things progress.  Two years ago I could wear skirts and I didn't even think about it.  Now I get nauseous just thinking about it.  I honestly don't get that. 

Sometimes things like that make me think that it is all just in my mind.  I've been playing a character for so long I worry that this new me is just another character.  Everything seems to be changing so organically, some things I don't mind, others I'm not sure of. 

I wish that I could put on a dress.  I have to go to a friend's wedding and I have no idea what I'm going to wear.  I can't go in men's dress clothes.  The friend's soon to be husband knows people who know my husband and she's from work and I'm going with someone else from work and it would be really, really bad.  So, I'm not putting on a dress but I'll be wearing a women's blouse and I'll be the character once again.  It is so hard not being out.  And I can't see coming out any time soon.  The closest I ever come is telling people that I'm not a girly girl.